Remember that story I told you about the 74 year old man trying to pick up the lovely young lady? Me?
Okay…so the funny thing is this. And this isn’t a shady story from my past, so don’t get all weirded out ’cause it was a situation that ~could~ have gone bad….but didn’t…so no harm was done. ANYWAY…
When I was about 8 or 9, my grandmother was in Safeway and I was outside playing and waiting with my little cousin. An old man came up to talk to us and it never dawned on me what he was trying to do. I remember ~now~ that he was trying to get me/us to go with him, but it ALSO never dawned on me to do so and that was that. But…I politely chatted with the old bastard, as I was taught to do, refusing any and all invitations for the steamy photo session I was surely in for had I left my post.
(I could have been a star!)
When it came time for him to leave…which I now realize was about the time my grandmother would have come to fetch us…he turned to me, held my face and planted a HUGE kiss directly on my mouth. TOTALLY startled, I ran inside Safeway with my cousin and found Nanny.
Nanny…always knowing what to do in a crisis…IMMEDIATELY took me to her house, sat me on the bathroom counter and sprayed perfume in my mouth while telling me stories of New Year’s Eve.
“Iz alright, Steeephy. New Year’s Eve ~everyone~ kissing each other. No one get sick.”
SO…let’s get back in the time machine and sail to just a few days ago when I’m telling my father the story about the old man trying his luck on Halloween.
After his laughter died down:
He said, “do you remember when you were little and you were playing outside of Safeway while waiting for your grandmother?”
I said,”Oh! Totally! I remembered right away because I was like, “yup…still got it”…I was like, 12, right?”
He said,”No no no…you were, like, 8 or 9 because THAT was the reason I started to take you to Stampede Wrestling.”
Yes…had it not been for the elderly pervert happening across two young girls at Safeway, I would have never enjoyed weeks of Stampede Wrestling at the Pavilion fun…and it ~was~ a super lot of fun. For…you see…my father saw in me that I had ~too~ much respect for my elders, so he took me to the one place in our fair city that he knew I would encounter the greatest density of adults I ~never~ had to respect my entire life…therefore learning the golden rule:
The world is generally made up of retards. Don’t listen to them.
I try to practice it every day.
Goodnight, children. Don’t kiss any old strangers.